Different Kinds of Infertility
First before we go further, I understand this is a sensitive topic for many. Including myself. Sometimes I still tear up and sometimes I don’t I believe this is all a part of the grieving and healing process for such things this side of heaven.
Second, do not let anyone short change your grieving journey. Feel all the things but don’t stay there forever. Stay for as long as you need but there will come a point of the grieving process where you’ll find as much acceptance as you can and feel peace about moving forward with where the Lord leads you. And if that is not your right now, next year or even five years – I understand, I see you and I am here to tell you it is ok.
Your healing journey is your own and yours to walk.
Absolutely none of it is easy to handle. It’s all hard.
I remember walking into the examination room at 12 weeks with tears in my eyes as other women in the waiting room were full of joy. I wasn’t allowed to bring anyone back into the room with me and the look on the ultrasound technician’s face told me everything I needed to know.
My body was pregnant but the egg was empty. The doctor came in to tell me if I didn’t miscarry soon, I’d have to have a D&C. The utter pain that I endured over the following days was awful but the emotional damage was even worse.
I went on to have three more. After chromosome testing, blood tests, endless monitoring we had finally figured out I had PCOS and a protein Z deficiency which caused blood clotting during pregnancy. This also meant I didn’t ovulate regularly.
My body felt broken and I felt labeled. I was angry at my body for not working properly and ashamed every time I walked into a baby shower I “was supposed” to be happy at.
I can’t promise or tell you what your journey here will look like. You may go onto have a child or you may not. But I do know that no matter what your story looks like, there is purpose in it.
I received comfort in sharing my story with other women and when I opened the door for communication guess what happened? They shared theirs too! One woman shared with me she had 9 losses. Another said hers was in the teens. Another said her nephews were her children and found joy in caring for them. The more I talked about it the more I could feel my grief releasing and feeling emotionally healed.
That doesn’t mean that I still don’t tear up during the days of my losses. Because I do. But what I am saying is that now I can have peace knowing that I will see those sweet souls healing and on the other side of heaven one day.
Remember we live in a broken world with pollutants and our environments sometimes working against us. Sometimes it’s genetics and sometimes it’s not explainable at all and that the Lord truly is by your side offering whatever you need from Him. Psalm 139:13-16 The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.
Take care sweet reader. You’re loved. You’re seen. And you will heal.
-Jamie
